Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Twelve hours in the white house

The French are all excited about the twelve hours that occurred between the time Inquisitor General Gonzales told Bush Chief of Staff Andy Card about the investigation into Valarie Plame's betrayal and his warning to the White House staff to secure all of the associated documents. They're worried that the staff may have used that time to destroy important evidence. I'm sure that didn't happen. I even have a timeline to prove it.

8:00 pm - Pastor General Ashcroft calls Gonzales, informing him of the investigation.

Our Leader is preparing for his nightly meeting with the Lord by smearing his body with bacon grease and downing a quart of NyQuil.

Karl Rove is holding his hand over a candle to prove that he's tougher than G. Gordon Liddy.

Scooter Libby is waxing Deputy Leader Cheney's back.

8:01 pm - The Special Political Electronic Surveillance team patches Karl Rove into the audio portion of the call. He immediately begins drafting a plan to safeguard important evidence.

8:10 pm - Gonzales informs White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

8:15 pm - Card notifies the White House and Vice Presidential staffs via Blackberry, asking them to preserve the evidence.

8:30 pm - Our Leader places his face into the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord and asks God when he's going to supply him with flower-throwing, liberated Iraqis. God chuckles and punches him in the arm.

Scooter calls his friend, the scoutmaster, and tells him that he can use his office for that urban survival outing they planned but only if they do it that night.

Rove calls Jeff Gannon, White House journalist, and asks him to meet him at the White House.

10:00 pm - Our Leader throws up into the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord and passes out.

Rove has spread out all the important evidence onto the floor of his office. He asks Gannon what he thinks is the best way to protect it. Gannon suggests vasoline. He and Rove strip off their clothes and begin protecting the documents by smearing their bodies with vasoline and then rolling on the evidence.

Scooter's scoutmaster friend shows up at Libby's office with the only two scouts he could locate at such short notice. Scooter anticipated that he'd be working with an understaffed troop, so he brought Ari Fleischer and John Bolton along. They're dressed in ill-fitting Webelos uniforms.

10:01 pm - Rove is heard to scream, "get along little doggie."

10:02 pm - spent and exhausted and covered with documents, Rove and Gannon collapse onto the floor and share a smoke.

10:30 pm - Scooter teaches the scouts how to make a campfire out of things found in filing cabinets. Bolton berates a fellow scout who's having trouble with his fire until the young man cries.

Deputy Leader Cheney is checking Haliburton's latest profit statements.

11:00 pm - Lynne Cheney brings the Deputy Leader two-pints of O-positive and helps him into his sleeping shroud.

Bolton heads off to a bar still wearing his Webelos uniform, hoping it'll give him and excuse to knife someone.

Scooter shows the remaining campers the best way to turn an office into a swimming pool.

Gannon sets off for his next White House journalist appointment, a meeting with Scott McClellen about the best way to preserve important Plame-related documents.

Rove begins workups on all of the possible candidates for special prosecutor.

4:00 am - Scooter shows the campers how to make office mulch.

Gannon finishes his fourth document preservation meeting of the evening. Ken Melhman rewards him with a fifty-dollar tip.

Laura helps Our Leader escape from the millions of "spiders" crawling out of the Mighty Tony Llama Boot of the Lord. She gives him a shot of NyQuil and puts him to bed.

5:00 am - Rove returns home. He notices that the newspaper has been thrown into the bushes again and decides to do a workup on the paperboy.

6:00 am - Lynne Cheney restarts her husband's heart and helps him into the shower.

Scooter gives the scouts compasses and tells them to find their way home.

8:00 am - Gonzales emails the White House and Vice Presidential staffs, telling them to preserve any evidence they might possess.

Cross-posted from Jesus' General

Inspiration: Bush Aide Learned Early of Leaks Probe andSecretary Rosemary Woods Who Erased Nixon Tape Dies -IW

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